Editor’s note: Today’s post was submitted anonymously by a strong and courageous member of our SWL community. Please read this more than once and let it sink in. And remember that abusive love is not love; it is dominance and control. You are never powerless.
“You aren’t pretty enough to be with anyone else.”
“If you left me, no one else would want you.”
“Have you ever thought about getting a boob job when you are older? Maybe I’ll buy you one.”
“If you don’t do this I won’t love you anymore.”
“I deserve to get angry when I have to deal with you being stupid every day.”
“You’re just an idiot sometimes.”
“Can we see other people, I’m not getting enough action from you.”
These were all exact words I heard from my then boyfriend when I was only 14. By the time I was 16, I had experienced a type of relationship with issues that you think only adults encounter. By the time I was 17, I finally found So Worth Loving and they changed everything I had begun to truly believe about myself.
For two years, I thought love was something that was supposed to hurt. For two years, I thought that love was him getting angry and punching the wall and throwing things at my face. For two years, I wasn’t living a life that a 14 and 15 year old should. For two years, I lied to my family about where I was going at night. For two years, I snuck out to see him only to get yelled at and hit. For two years, I felt trapped. I thought I was loved…
…until I got the butt dialed phone call of him sleeping with someone else.
The phone dropped, along with my heart onto the floor. I thought I was going to burst. I screamed, I cried. I blamed myself. I was angry with myself.
I had felt so much pressure to sleep with this guy throughout the two years of us dating. I was so against giving in because when I was only 12, I was cornered in the locker room and raped by a 16 year old guy. I didn’t want to feel that way ever again, so I tried to stand my ground. But he won. I gave in I have never told anyone this story, sitting here writing it on my computer is the first time I have ever let it escape the back of my mind. I only slept with him once. And it was the night before that single accidental phone call changed everything.
Now, you may be reading this and wondering why the heck someone would stay with someone who treats them that way. But I also know that some of your reading have felt this way before, or are still feeling this way. Trapped. I was only 14. Think back to when you were 14, we were all trying to find ourselves and be accepted. That’s all I wanted: to be accepted.
After getting the butt-dial phone call and hearing way more then I needed to from a bedroom, I demanded answers. I got them: he had been sleeping with seven different girls through the two years of dating. Do you know who he blamed it on? Me. I was to blame because I wouldn’t give it up to him for a long time. I believed this. I believed that I was to blame. I was the reason for my pain. I was the reason I would never be worth more. I was the reason I felt like I was going to be broken forever.
Devastated and thinking no one would ever love me, because of words he had inked into my brain, I tried to forget everything that had happened to me, while still believing that my past would always define me. Those two men would always define me and my worth, or lack of worth. I would still receive phone calls with threats for if I ever told this story. I fell into a heavy drinking problem to try and hide the fact that I was in pain all of the time. I wasn’t just cheated on. I was abused. Physically and verbally.
It wasn’t until I came across SWL on Twitter that I started to see through the lies and find hope.
Since then, SWL has changed my mindset about how I live my life, how I view myself, and I have since freed myself from all of the negativity that was embedded in my brain. The quotes I opened with were lies, and nothing that anyone should fall into believing. So now I replace the lies I opened with, with the truth:
“I am beautiful, and deserve someone to treat me well.”
“I have the choice to leave a relationship I am not happy in.”
“I don’t need a boob job.”
“Someone’s love for me should not be defined by chore or action.”
“I don’t deserve to be yelled at and hit.”
“I am smart. He’s the idiot.”
“I don’t need to have sex with someone for them to love me.”
It’s been four years since I shut the door on a relationship that I am just now telling the truth about. No matter what our past holds, what mistakes we have made, we are So Worth Loving. I am So Worth Loving.