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So Worth Loving

I Hope Someone Finds Hope In This

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I still remember the scene like it was yesterday. The confrontation, the argument, the shouting, and the way that every word pierced a little deeper till I snapped. The tears came quickly and my world was shattered. Everything that happened next played out like some movie, like I was watching myself act and react from outside my own body. I stumbled to the cabinets, found the pills, and took copious amounts of them. I thought surely the pain would stop, surely the voices of self doubt and fear would cease, and I would just go to “sleep” finally without worrying anymore.

 Those events that I just recounted in short took place June 4th, 2007. As you can tell from the fact that I’m writing this, I’m not dead but I probably should be. Today is the 7-year anniversary of that day. Its crazy to think on all the things that I would have missed out on that have taken place in these last 7 years. One thing that I have come to believe over these last 7 years is that experiences/wisdom do not mean anything unless we share them with others. I have suffered some very terrible situations in my life that have led to anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and attempted suicide and yes, those things are hard, but I want to share a little bit about what I’ve learned and maybe some things that could help someone else from ending up where I almost did.

  •  Silence and holding it in never works.

I was taken advantage of sexually when I was 13. I didn’t tell anybody about it for 6 and a half years. Even though what that person did to me was terrible, I did something just as bad by holding that in for so long. I let it defeat me everyday and let it rot me away from the inside. So if you have been hurt, or feel something that you think is shameful, holding it in will only lead to more hurt and shame. Find someone you can trust, speak up, and you will begin the road to healing.

  •  Depression is real, it sucks, but its not the end.

I grew up in the church, and it seemed like no one was ever sad unless they were at a funeral. It was then hard for me to process the immense amount of pain and sadness that I had in me at such a young age. I suppressed it, boxed it up, and ignored it but eventually you will run out space in the attic of your heart. If you’re hurting, admit it. If you’re unhappy, that’s ok. It can be summed up like this, “Its ok to not be ok but its not ok to stay that way.”- Perry Noble.   

  •  Get counseling.

Counseling literally saved my life. It is not a sign of weakness. In fact, I think everyone would benefit from it. At some point, when going through depression, everyone thinks that they are in fact a little crazy; that if people could hear their thoughts they would be shunned, and that there’s no way that they are sane. Counseling will actually help show that you are quite normal and that you just needed to be able to talk and communicate freely in order to find that out.

  • Time doesn’t heal all things, perspective does.

Years and years can pass from a certain incident in your life and it can seem just as raw as the day it happened. This probably means that you haven’t tried to really remove yourself from that situation. When you start to see yourself as a functioning human outside of whatever was done to you, then you will see that you are bigger than that problem and that your life will go on.

  •  Life is better in community.

Everything: the depression, the anxiety, the panic attacks, the countless days spent just staying in, they are all about isolation. It’s a vicious cycle. These things all happen to only you and then make you not want to be around people, which is really what you need. If your activities, your days, and your choices tend to isolate you, then reevaluate. Do whatever it takes to be in community.

  •  Hope is Real.

No explaining here. Once you get a hold of hope, it’s truly hard to lose it. I found real hope when I woke up in that hospital bed that fateful night and haven’t been able to shake it since.

  •  Do beautiful things

Seek beauty, create beauty, find beauty. Eat a pizza, watch your favorite movie, make someone a card, dance on top of your car. You can inject happiness into your life, and it will increase.

 

I hope that someone finds hope in this.

Written and loved on by someone who wants you to love yourself.

Dark Moments



"It’s still snowing? Ok, I’m gonna get the shoveling started because it looks like it’s ending soon." I said. Mar just looked at me and gave me a small smile that said "Thank you." 

It’s amazing to me how even the faintest light reflects off of snow, making it very easy to see at night. I grabbed the shovel and began slowly and methodically cleaning the first part of the driveway, closest to the garage. As I fell into rhythm, the thoughts of the past few days slipped into the back of my mind for the first time. 

The past two weeks have been hard. I guess losing someone you love dearly is not supposed to be easy. It was an unexpected. An unexpected moment in life. When these moments have happened in my life, I typically react in one of two ways. Either, I find myself paralyzed, unable to act, or I begin to fill my minutes with activity, running full steam until I’m out of breath. Here in the evening, in the rhythm of my shoveling, I did something different. I slowed down and I took a breath.

As I paused, I sat down on the newly fallen snow, breathing in and out. It was then the person I had lost came to me and was a whisper in the falling snow. Four simple words, “Take care of her.” For the first time in days, I began to cry. Really cry. I held it together for my children and wife in hope of providing strength where they had none. Now it was my turn.

What I realized as I lay there in the snow was that in these unexpected moments, in these darkest of days I am never alone. The whisper proved that to me. As I let this sink in, I began to think about how many of our friends came and supported us, and how many friends reached out to us just to let us know that they are here if we need them. 

This life brings so much joy and so much pain. If you find yourself in an unexpected moment, please know that you are not alone. WE are always here to share in your pain and provide strength and encouragement in the quiet moments.


Post by Andy Ryan

A Love Made of Lies

Editor’s note: Today’s post was submitted anonymously by a strong and courageous member of our SWL community. Please read this more than once and let it sink in. And remember that abusive love is not love; it is dominance and control. You are never powerless.

“You aren’t pretty enough to be with anyone else.”

“If you left me, no one else would want you.”

“Have you ever thought about getting a boob job when you are older? Maybe I’ll buy you one.”

“If you don’t do this I won’t love you anymore.”

“I deserve to get angry when I have to deal with you being stupid every day.”

“You’re just an idiot sometimes.”

“Can we see other people, I’m not getting enough action from you.”

These were all exact words I heard from my then boyfriend when I was only 14. By the time I was 16, I had experienced a type of relationship with issues that you think only adults encounter. By the time I was 17, I finally found So Worth Loving and they changed everything I had begun to truly believe about myself.

For two years, I thought love was something that was supposed to hurt. For two years, I thought that love was him getting angry and punching the wall and throwing things at my face. For two years, I wasn’t living a life that a 14 and 15 year old should. For two years, I lied to my family about where I was going at night. For two years, I snuck out to see him only to get yelled at and hit. For two years, I felt trapped. I thought I was loved…

…until I got the butt dialed phone call of him sleeping with someone else.

The phone dropped, along with my heart onto the floor. I thought I was going to burst. I screamed, I cried. I blamed myself. I was angry with myself.

I had felt so much pressure to sleep with this guy throughout the two years of us dating. I was so against giving in because when I was only 12, I was cornered in the locker room and raped by a 16 year old guy. I didn’t want to feel that way ever again, so I tried to stand my ground. But he won. I gave in I have never told anyone this story, sitting here writing it on my computer is the first time I have ever let it escape the back of my mind. I only slept with him once. And it was the night before that single accidental phone call changed everything.

Now, you may be reading this and wondering why the heck someone would stay with someone who treats them that way. But I also know that some of your reading have felt this way before, or are still feeling this way. Trapped. I was only 14. Think back to when you were 14, we were all trying to find ourselves and be accepted. That’s all I wanted: to be accepted.

After getting the butt-dial phone call and hearing way more then I needed to from a bedroom, I demanded answers. I got them: he had been sleeping with seven different girls through the two years of dating. Do you know who he blamed it on? Me. I was to blame because I wouldn’t give it up to him for a long time. I believed this. I believed that I was to blame. I was the reason for my pain. I was the reason I would never be worth more. I was the reason I felt like I was going to be broken forever.

Devastated and thinking no one would ever love me, because of words he had inked into my brain, I tried to forget everything that had happened to me, while still believing that my past would always define me. Those two men would always define me and my worth, or lack of worth. I would still receive phone calls with threats for if I ever told this story. I fell into a heavy drinking problem to try and hide the fact that I was in pain all of the time. I wasn’t just cheated on. I was abused. Physically and verbally.

It wasn’t until I came across SWL on Twitter that I started to see through the lies and find hope.

Since then, SWL has changed my mindset about how I live my life, how I view myself, and I have since freed myself from all of the negativity that was embedded in my brain. The quotes I opened with were lies, and nothing that anyone should fall into believing. So now I replace the lies I opened with, with the truth:

“I am beautiful, and deserve someone to treat me well.”

“I have the choice to leave a relationship I am not happy in.”

“I don’t need a boob job.”

“Someone’s love for me should not be defined by chore or action.”

“I don’t deserve to be yelled at and hit.”

“I am smart. He’s the idiot.”

“I don’t need to have sex with someone for them to love me.”

It’s been four years since I shut the door on a relationship that I am just now telling the truth about. No matter what our past holds, what mistakes we have made, we are So Worth Loving. I am So Worth Loving.

"you gotta look for the good in the bad, the happy in your sad, the gain in your pain, and what makes you grateful not hateful." High-res

"you gotta look for the good in the bad, the happy in your sad, the gain in your pain, and what makes you grateful not hateful."

For the month of May we launched a new campaign called: May You Be _____.
We have felt alone before in our struggles and we don’t want others to feel that way SOO for the month of May people are identifying something they’ve struggled with and are committing to look at it from a better perspective. 
Share your story on the wall and fill in the blank. You can do it anonymously! By sharing your story you may make someone feel not alone anymore. #MAYYOUBE
SWL Team

For the month of May we launched a new campaign called: May You Be _____.

We have felt alone before in our struggles and we don’t want others to feel that way SOO for the month of May people are identifying something they’ve struggled with and are committing to look at it from a better perspective. 

Share your story on the wall and fill in the blank. You can do it anonymously! By sharing your story you may make someone feel not alone anymore. #MAYYOUBE

SWL Team